AIN’T LOVE GRAND?
By Michael A. Kechula
When the Governor visited the state orphanage, the children lined up to greet him. As he passed each child, he asked, “What do you want to be someday?”
“A nurse," said a girl.
“Very commendable. We never have enough of them.”
The next kid said, “A policeman.”
“Wonderful. Crime is increasing every year. We’ll always need brave police officers to protect us.”
The Governor approached Billy. “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A pizza.”
“Why a pizza?” asked the startled man.
“Nobody loves me. But everybody loves pizza.”
“He’s a lunatic! There’s no sense squandering taxpayer money on the likes of him. Abandon him in the forest.”
The Director of the orphanage tore off Billy’s T-shirt that said, ORPHAN. He gave Billy a new one that with much larger letters that read, LUNATIC.
Billy was placed on a helicopter and taken to a dense forest.
When the helicopter descended to a few feet from ground, the Director threw Billy out. Landing on his head, the boy was unconscious for three days.
Billy awoke when a fluffy tail tickled his face.
“What’s a lunatic?” asked a chipmunk, pointing to Billy’s T-shirt.
“I think it’s somebody who wastes tax payers’ money.”
“What else are you, besides a lunatic?”
“A boy. But I wanna be a pizza.”
“Why?”
“I wanna be loved.”
“What kinda pizza do you wanna be?”
“Pepperoni.”
“Well, you came to the right place,” the chipmunk said. “Stand over there under that magic tree.”
The moment Billy was under the tree, the chipmunk mumbled strange words and waved a magic wand. Within seconds, Billy transformed into a pepperoni pizza.
“Are you happy now?” asked the chipmunk.
“Oh yes!” Billy replied, as he glanced at the pepperoni morsels, bright red sauce, golden cheese, and bits of oregano that he’d become. This is wonderful. Now everybody will love me. I don’t know how to thank you!”
“Thanks is nice, but I have lots of mouths to feed. You owe me three million dollars for casting the spell. How do you intend to pay—cash, check, or credit card?”
“Oh my. I’m just a poor orphan. Orphans don’t have money. Especially those who are lunatics.”
“You should have told me before I performed my services.”
“You didn’t ask.”
“True. But I assumed you knew that every professional expects to get paid for his services. After all, it cost me a fortune to get through eight years of Chipmunk Magic School. I’m still paying off the loans. What about friends? Do you think you can borrow some money from them?”
“I don’t have any friends.”
“Oh dear. I’m afraid I’m going to have to sell you to raise cash to pay my fee.”
The chipmunk whistled. Dozens of chipmunks came running from the bushes and gathered around Billy.
“My dear friends,” said the chipmunk magician (CM). “I did something good for this pizza, and now it tells me it can’t pay. I’d like you all to help me carry it to the city where I can sell it. Today’s market day, and this luscious-looking pizza should fetch a good price. Okay, everybody, put your hands under the pizza. On the count of three, we’ll lift it and take it to the Interstate. I’ll flag down a trucker and see if he’ll give us a ride to the town market.”
When CM said, ‘Three,” they lifted Billy. Soon, he heard the pitter patter of dozens of chipmunk paws striking the ground, as they carried him quickly through the woods. As the trees whizzed by, he was surprised at how fast the chipmunks ran. He started to think that he might have made a mistake and should have asked to become a chipmunk. He figured if he could run as fast as they did, he could win a gold medal in the Olympic Games 100 yard dash. Then for sure people would love him.”
“Hey, he called to CM. “I changed my mind. I wanna be a chipmunk like you guys.”
However, CM didn’t hear, because he was busy calculating how much he’d make selling the pizza at $2.50 a slice.
Before long, Billy heard the sound of passing cars and trucks.
The chipmunks laid Billy on the road. CM flagged down a huge truck loaded with logs. Unfortunately, the driver saw them too late, and ran over the pizza and all the chipmunks. He stopped his truck, and examined the squishy mess. A lover of road kill, he scraped the mashed chipmunk-pizza mess from his tires and the road, and plopped the whole shebang into a container.
That evening, the driver said to his wife and beautiful daughter, “I have a wonderful surprise for you: mashed chipmunk pizza.”
“I love chipmunk pizza!” the daughter said. “Especially when it’s mashed.”
As the gorgeous girl sank her sharp teeth into the mush, Billy sighed deeply and said, “I’m finally loved.”
- - -
BIO: Michael A. Kechula is a retired tech writer. His stories have been published by 128 magazines and 35 anthologies in 6 countries. He’s won first place in 10 contests and placed in 7 others. He’s authored three books of flash fiction, micro-fiction, and short stories: A Full Deck of Zombies--61 Speculative Fiction Tales, The Area 51 Option and 70 More Speculative Fiction Tales, and I Never Kissed Judy Garland and Other Tales of Romance. eBook versions available at www.BooksForABuck.com and www.fictionwise.com Paperbacks available at www.amazon.com.
By Michael A. Kechula
When the Governor visited the state orphanage, the children lined up to greet him. As he passed each child, he asked, “What do you want to be someday?”
“A nurse," said a girl.
“Very commendable. We never have enough of them.”
The next kid said, “A policeman.”
“Wonderful. Crime is increasing every year. We’ll always need brave police officers to protect us.”
The Governor approached Billy. “And what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“A pizza.”
“Why a pizza?” asked the startled man.
“Nobody loves me. But everybody loves pizza.”
“He’s a lunatic! There’s no sense squandering taxpayer money on the likes of him. Abandon him in the forest.”
The Director of the orphanage tore off Billy’s T-shirt that said, ORPHAN. He gave Billy a new one that with much larger letters that read, LUNATIC.
Billy was placed on a helicopter and taken to a dense forest.
When the helicopter descended to a few feet from ground, the Director threw Billy out. Landing on his head, the boy was unconscious for three days.
Billy awoke when a fluffy tail tickled his face.
“What’s a lunatic?” asked a chipmunk, pointing to Billy’s T-shirt.
“I think it’s somebody who wastes tax payers’ money.”
“What else are you, besides a lunatic?”
“A boy. But I wanna be a pizza.”
“Why?”
“I wanna be loved.”
“What kinda pizza do you wanna be?”
“Pepperoni.”
“Well, you came to the right place,” the chipmunk said. “Stand over there under that magic tree.”
The moment Billy was under the tree, the chipmunk mumbled strange words and waved a magic wand. Within seconds, Billy transformed into a pepperoni pizza.
“Are you happy now?” asked the chipmunk.
“Oh yes!” Billy replied, as he glanced at the pepperoni morsels, bright red sauce, golden cheese, and bits of oregano that he’d become. This is wonderful. Now everybody will love me. I don’t know how to thank you!”
“Thanks is nice, but I have lots of mouths to feed. You owe me three million dollars for casting the spell. How do you intend to pay—cash, check, or credit card?”
“Oh my. I’m just a poor orphan. Orphans don’t have money. Especially those who are lunatics.”
“You should have told me before I performed my services.”
“You didn’t ask.”
“True. But I assumed you knew that every professional expects to get paid for his services. After all, it cost me a fortune to get through eight years of Chipmunk Magic School. I’m still paying off the loans. What about friends? Do you think you can borrow some money from them?”
“I don’t have any friends.”
“Oh dear. I’m afraid I’m going to have to sell you to raise cash to pay my fee.”
The chipmunk whistled. Dozens of chipmunks came running from the bushes and gathered around Billy.
“My dear friends,” said the chipmunk magician (CM). “I did something good for this pizza, and now it tells me it can’t pay. I’d like you all to help me carry it to the city where I can sell it. Today’s market day, and this luscious-looking pizza should fetch a good price. Okay, everybody, put your hands under the pizza. On the count of three, we’ll lift it and take it to the Interstate. I’ll flag down a trucker and see if he’ll give us a ride to the town market.”
When CM said, ‘Three,” they lifted Billy. Soon, he heard the pitter patter of dozens of chipmunk paws striking the ground, as they carried him quickly through the woods. As the trees whizzed by, he was surprised at how fast the chipmunks ran. He started to think that he might have made a mistake and should have asked to become a chipmunk. He figured if he could run as fast as they did, he could win a gold medal in the Olympic Games 100 yard dash. Then for sure people would love him.”
“Hey, he called to CM. “I changed my mind. I wanna be a chipmunk like you guys.”
However, CM didn’t hear, because he was busy calculating how much he’d make selling the pizza at $2.50 a slice.
Before long, Billy heard the sound of passing cars and trucks.
The chipmunks laid Billy on the road. CM flagged down a huge truck loaded with logs. Unfortunately, the driver saw them too late, and ran over the pizza and all the chipmunks. He stopped his truck, and examined the squishy mess. A lover of road kill, he scraped the mashed chipmunk-pizza mess from his tires and the road, and plopped the whole shebang into a container.
That evening, the driver said to his wife and beautiful daughter, “I have a wonderful surprise for you: mashed chipmunk pizza.”
“I love chipmunk pizza!” the daughter said. “Especially when it’s mashed.”
As the gorgeous girl sank her sharp teeth into the mush, Billy sighed deeply and said, “I’m finally loved.”
- - -
BIO: Michael A. Kechula is a retired tech writer. His stories have been published by 128 magazines and 35 anthologies in 6 countries. He’s won first place in 10 contests and placed in 7 others. He’s authored three books of flash fiction, micro-fiction, and short stories: A Full Deck of Zombies--61 Speculative Fiction Tales, The Area 51 Option and 70 More Speculative Fiction Tales, and I Never Kissed Judy Garland and Other Tales of Romance. eBook versions available at www.BooksForABuck.com and www.fictionwise.com Paperbacks available at www.amazon.com.
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