A Rough Morning
By Jeffrey Lorow
My day did not start off well.
The very beginning wasn't so bad. I had gotten out of bed on time, ate a delicious breakfast of bran flakes and orange juice (I wait until I get to work to have my coffee, since it's free) and the weather was so nice, the first thing I did when I got in my canary yellow Ford Mustang Convertible was take the top down.
But things started to go sour almost as soon as I pulled out of my driveway. I live in the country, so my commute is rather lengthy--but totally worth it to not have to deal with the boneheads in the city. The first several miles are on winding mountain roads with a speed limit of 35 miles-per-hour, and I got stuck behind an old Buick LeSabre going maybe 30--32 tops. I was patient with them for a few minutes, but I needed to get to work! So I hit the gas, slammed into their rear bumper and pushed the car over a cliff. I mean, come on, who drives below the speed limit in this day and age?
After checking my front bumper for scratches (thank God there were none!), I was almost to the main road when I encountered my second knucklehead of the day. Some lady in a big SUV backed out of her driveway right in front of me! I mean, hello? Did you not see my yellow Mustang coming? Did it blend in with the lines on the road? I think not. Of course I had to slam on my brakes to keep from hitting her. As she started her merry way down the road, oblivious to the fact that I almost died because she never learned to look both ways before pulling into traffic, I grabbed my bazooka from the back seat and sent a rocket through her rear window. Maybe now she sees me?
It felt pretty good watching the back of that SUV get blown to smithereens, but of course those good feelings didn't last long. I made it to the expressway and traffic was moving pretty well. There were a few slowpokes, but always plenty of room to pass and there were a few maniacs who I'm sure were pulled over by the cops not long after they passed me. But this one guy decided to be a jerk. While I passed a semi, this pick-up truck zipped up behind me and was riding about three inches from my rear bumper. Even once I had passed the semi and moved to the right lane, he didn't stop. And I really wish he would have just passed me and gotten pulled over by the cops, because he really got on my nerves. Fortunately, I had my sawed off shotgun under the seat, so I whipped it out and put a couple of blasts of buckshot through his windshield. The truck ran off the road and rolled three or four times. I'm guessing that now he's wishing he had just
passed me without acting like a jackass.
As I got closer to town traffic started slowing down as it normally does at that time of the morning. It's the city and it is what it is. We were just creeping along, but making progress, so I really couldn't complain. Then, after being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic for ten minutes, I checked my rearview mirror. This clown on a crotch-rocket was weaving through traffic like some kind of hot shot. Nothing ticks me off more than some guy working his way through traffic like he's so important that he can't wait like the rest of us. So I grabbed my machete from between the seats and when he tried to zip his motorcycle between my Mustang and the orange Golf next to me, I took one swipe out the window and cut off his head. It made a real mess on the front quarter panel of my car, but I'll take it through the carwash later today and it will look as good as new.
With everything slowing me down this morning, I was really surprised when I pulled into the parking lot at work five minutes early. But apparently I was late enough that someone thought they could get away with parking in my spot! The nerve of some people! I pulled into a nearby space, popped open my trunk, grabbed a pipe bomb and used it to booby-trap their little Chevy Cavalier so when they turn the ignition, Ka-Boom! Just like in the movies. I can't wait to hear that blast at five o'clock!
I grabbed my briefcase and lunch out of the passenger seat of my Mustang and headed inside to start the day. My first stop every morning is at the coffee station, because believe me, you don't want to try to talk to me before I've had my coffee! I grabbed the carafe, tipped the spout towards my mug, and waited. Empty. Someone had taken the last cup of coffee and didn't bother to show a little common courtesy and brew another pot for everyone else! Unreal. I knew it had to be Jim. I saw him leaving the coffee station when I came in, and it's just like him to do that! I hate it when people do that! So I threw out the old filter, put in a fresh one and started the coffee machine. Then I went to my desk and waited for it to brew.
- - -
Jeffrey Lorow runs a lot. Friends say this may have affected his brain.
By Jeffrey Lorow
My day did not start off well.
The very beginning wasn't so bad. I had gotten out of bed on time, ate a delicious breakfast of bran flakes and orange juice (I wait until I get to work to have my coffee, since it's free) and the weather was so nice, the first thing I did when I got in my canary yellow Ford Mustang Convertible was take the top down.
But things started to go sour almost as soon as I pulled out of my driveway. I live in the country, so my commute is rather lengthy--but totally worth it to not have to deal with the boneheads in the city. The first several miles are on winding mountain roads with a speed limit of 35 miles-per-hour, and I got stuck behind an old Buick LeSabre going maybe 30--32 tops. I was patient with them for a few minutes, but I needed to get to work! So I hit the gas, slammed into their rear bumper and pushed the car over a cliff. I mean, come on, who drives below the speed limit in this day and age?
After checking my front bumper for scratches (thank God there were none!), I was almost to the main road when I encountered my second knucklehead of the day. Some lady in a big SUV backed out of her driveway right in front of me! I mean, hello? Did you not see my yellow Mustang coming? Did it blend in with the lines on the road? I think not. Of course I had to slam on my brakes to keep from hitting her. As she started her merry way down the road, oblivious to the fact that I almost died because she never learned to look both ways before pulling into traffic, I grabbed my bazooka from the back seat and sent a rocket through her rear window. Maybe now she sees me?
It felt pretty good watching the back of that SUV get blown to smithereens, but of course those good feelings didn't last long. I made it to the expressway and traffic was moving pretty well. There were a few slowpokes, but always plenty of room to pass and there were a few maniacs who I'm sure were pulled over by the cops not long after they passed me. But this one guy decided to be a jerk. While I passed a semi, this pick-up truck zipped up behind me and was riding about three inches from my rear bumper. Even once I had passed the semi and moved to the right lane, he didn't stop. And I really wish he would have just passed me and gotten pulled over by the cops, because he really got on my nerves. Fortunately, I had my sawed off shotgun under the seat, so I whipped it out and put a couple of blasts of buckshot through his windshield. The truck ran off the road and rolled three or four times. I'm guessing that now he's wishing he had just
passed me without acting like a jackass.
As I got closer to town traffic started slowing down as it normally does at that time of the morning. It's the city and it is what it is. We were just creeping along, but making progress, so I really couldn't complain. Then, after being stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic for ten minutes, I checked my rearview mirror. This clown on a crotch-rocket was weaving through traffic like some kind of hot shot. Nothing ticks me off more than some guy working his way through traffic like he's so important that he can't wait like the rest of us. So I grabbed my machete from between the seats and when he tried to zip his motorcycle between my Mustang and the orange Golf next to me, I took one swipe out the window and cut off his head. It made a real mess on the front quarter panel of my car, but I'll take it through the carwash later today and it will look as good as new.
With everything slowing me down this morning, I was really surprised when I pulled into the parking lot at work five minutes early. But apparently I was late enough that someone thought they could get away with parking in my spot! The nerve of some people! I pulled into a nearby space, popped open my trunk, grabbed a pipe bomb and used it to booby-trap their little Chevy Cavalier so when they turn the ignition, Ka-Boom! Just like in the movies. I can't wait to hear that blast at five o'clock!
I grabbed my briefcase and lunch out of the passenger seat of my Mustang and headed inside to start the day. My first stop every morning is at the coffee station, because believe me, you don't want to try to talk to me before I've had my coffee! I grabbed the carafe, tipped the spout towards my mug, and waited. Empty. Someone had taken the last cup of coffee and didn't bother to show a little common courtesy and brew another pot for everyone else! Unreal. I knew it had to be Jim. I saw him leaving the coffee station when I came in, and it's just like him to do that! I hate it when people do that! So I threw out the old filter, put in a fresh one and started the coffee machine. Then I went to my desk and waited for it to brew.
- - -
Jeffrey Lorow runs a lot. Friends say this may have affected his brain.
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