Captain Kirk And Spock Meet Elvis
(Spock Goes Disco)
By Tony Rauch
“I’ve . . . I’ve enjoyed your rock and roll music . . . to its fullest capacity . . . Mr. . . . Mr. Elvis.”
“I also have listened to your comforting words many many times, . . . Mr. Elvis.”
(Ray beams shine out of Elvis’s eyes and vaporize the both of them. Spock melts immediately while Kirk just stays in place, shaking and incapacitated. Spock was wearing a silky flower-patterned shirt with super large disco lapels. This seemed to upset Elvis for some reason (It’s either the lapels or Spock’s face-meltingly bad Valcan breath). Then some people show up with some beers and a cake. A party breaks out for some reason. Apparently some other stuff happens. A lot of people are showing up, so it’s hard to tell what’s going on exactly. Someone turns a knob and that activates some type of thing that makes everyone’s hair grow longer and curl at the ends. Hairs continue to curl and curl until everyone within a two block radius is wearing a giant tight perm, a la the last season of the Brady Bunch or the musical group Grand Funk Railroad circa 1973. Then some aliens arrive. No one is certain what to think of them, so the party lags a little there for a while, but then they seem alright, so things pick up a little. The aliens are four feet tall, light blue, stocky, with big muscular shoulders, long beefy arms, compact legs, and no heads. Their heads are in their chests in the sense that their eyes and mouths are in the center of their chests. Oh, and they have hunched backs, so their posture is sort of stooped over.
Some angry neighbor shows up. Seems someone swiped his morning newspaper off his step the other day, so Elvis opens up on him with the ol’ eye laser thing and splits the guy right in half. One of the halves stays standing there in place on the sidewalk out front, while the other half just sort of flops down like a pealed banana. One of the aliens, a light blue mother, sends out a ray from his wrist thingie and freezes the angry neighbor guy. Some of his alien buddies pick up the side that flopped down like a wet noodle and flash some light thing around the guy and the cells somehow reattached themselves and the neighbor guy snaps out of it. So that is pretty cool of the aliens to fix that guy like that, even though he crashed the party like a big shot when he could’ve just waited for a better time to ask about the missing paper. By this time most of the people are dancing, but well behaved – just kind of shuffling in place and shimmying about – so not a lot of people notice the vivisection. Then it’s late and so people leave. They beam Spock and Kirk back up. By this time Spock is just a puddle of solidified plastic, where Kirk is still catatonic and shaking. The aliens don’t attempt to fix them for some reason. By this time everyone has left and we go back to sleep, figuring we’ll clean up in the morning. When morning comes we wake to find the place spotless. We talk it over and figure those light blue aliens cleaned the place up, which was really cool of them, but we’re not real positive on all that. But we hope they show up again in the future sometime as they proved to be helpful. We look around and the place looks great. We had planned to clean, so now have some time on our hands, so we go out for breakfast – hot dogs and cake. Then in driving back home, someone sees a neat painting in someone’s window. So we sneak into a back window and tiptoe out with the painting. She’s a beaut’ – an old one of a bunch of cows. Coy likes cows, so we figure we’ll put it up in his room while he’s away at work, then he’ll come home and be surprised (feels good to do things for others, to drop down an act of virtue, even if it does involve breaking and entering and theft). On the way back home there is an accident. A car has spun out and is in the way. “Hey, check this out,” Jasper smiles at us, then hops out of the jeep. “Elvis bestowed upon me super strength last night,” he shrugs, then walks over and lifts up the car and tosses it into the air. The car tumbles end over end, arcing down into the top of a gas station. The driver just stands on the median, his mouth open in awe. The obstruction clear, we move ahead. “Wow, super strength, huh,” I nod. “Yeah,” Jasper sighs, “Now that I think about it, I wish I’da asked for something different though.” “Yeah, why’s that?” Pierre asks. “I don’t know. I mean, how often would I use super strength. . . . Shoulda asked for something else.” “Still. Pretty cool Elvis granted your request.” “Yeah, I guess. But that’s just the type of guy Elvis is. So it’s not really all that surprising.” “Yeah. I hope he comes back again.”)
- - -
Tony Rauch has three books of funky/jazzy/arty short stories out, "I'm right here," from Spout Press, and "Laredo," and “Eyeballs growing all over me . . again” from Eraserhead Press (some dark and gothic, some kinda sci-fi, some absurdist, some experimental, some fairytale, some fantasy-ish, some dream-like and surreal, some whimsical, some social satire).
(Spock Goes Disco)
By Tony Rauch
“I’ve . . . I’ve enjoyed your rock and roll music . . . to its fullest capacity . . . Mr. . . . Mr. Elvis.”
“I also have listened to your comforting words many many times, . . . Mr. Elvis.”
(Ray beams shine out of Elvis’s eyes and vaporize the both of them. Spock melts immediately while Kirk just stays in place, shaking and incapacitated. Spock was wearing a silky flower-patterned shirt with super large disco lapels. This seemed to upset Elvis for some reason (It’s either the lapels or Spock’s face-meltingly bad Valcan breath). Then some people show up with some beers and a cake. A party breaks out for some reason. Apparently some other stuff happens. A lot of people are showing up, so it’s hard to tell what’s going on exactly. Someone turns a knob and that activates some type of thing that makes everyone’s hair grow longer and curl at the ends. Hairs continue to curl and curl until everyone within a two block radius is wearing a giant tight perm, a la the last season of the Brady Bunch or the musical group Grand Funk Railroad circa 1973. Then some aliens arrive. No one is certain what to think of them, so the party lags a little there for a while, but then they seem alright, so things pick up a little. The aliens are four feet tall, light blue, stocky, with big muscular shoulders, long beefy arms, compact legs, and no heads. Their heads are in their chests in the sense that their eyes and mouths are in the center of their chests. Oh, and they have hunched backs, so their posture is sort of stooped over.
Some angry neighbor shows up. Seems someone swiped his morning newspaper off his step the other day, so Elvis opens up on him with the ol’ eye laser thing and splits the guy right in half. One of the halves stays standing there in place on the sidewalk out front, while the other half just sort of flops down like a pealed banana. One of the aliens, a light blue mother, sends out a ray from his wrist thingie and freezes the angry neighbor guy. Some of his alien buddies pick up the side that flopped down like a wet noodle and flash some light thing around the guy and the cells somehow reattached themselves and the neighbor guy snaps out of it. So that is pretty cool of the aliens to fix that guy like that, even though he crashed the party like a big shot when he could’ve just waited for a better time to ask about the missing paper. By this time most of the people are dancing, but well behaved – just kind of shuffling in place and shimmying about – so not a lot of people notice the vivisection. Then it’s late and so people leave. They beam Spock and Kirk back up. By this time Spock is just a puddle of solidified plastic, where Kirk is still catatonic and shaking. The aliens don’t attempt to fix them for some reason. By this time everyone has left and we go back to sleep, figuring we’ll clean up in the morning. When morning comes we wake to find the place spotless. We talk it over and figure those light blue aliens cleaned the place up, which was really cool of them, but we’re not real positive on all that. But we hope they show up again in the future sometime as they proved to be helpful. We look around and the place looks great. We had planned to clean, so now have some time on our hands, so we go out for breakfast – hot dogs and cake. Then in driving back home, someone sees a neat painting in someone’s window. So we sneak into a back window and tiptoe out with the painting. She’s a beaut’ – an old one of a bunch of cows. Coy likes cows, so we figure we’ll put it up in his room while he’s away at work, then he’ll come home and be surprised (feels good to do things for others, to drop down an act of virtue, even if it does involve breaking and entering and theft). On the way back home there is an accident. A car has spun out and is in the way. “Hey, check this out,” Jasper smiles at us, then hops out of the jeep. “Elvis bestowed upon me super strength last night,” he shrugs, then walks over and lifts up the car and tosses it into the air. The car tumbles end over end, arcing down into the top of a gas station. The driver just stands on the median, his mouth open in awe. The obstruction clear, we move ahead. “Wow, super strength, huh,” I nod. “Yeah,” Jasper sighs, “Now that I think about it, I wish I’da asked for something different though.” “Yeah, why’s that?” Pierre asks. “I don’t know. I mean, how often would I use super strength. . . . Shoulda asked for something else.” “Still. Pretty cool Elvis granted your request.” “Yeah, I guess. But that’s just the type of guy Elvis is. So it’s not really all that surprising.” “Yeah. I hope he comes back again.”)
- - -
Tony Rauch has three books of funky/jazzy/arty short stories out, "I'm right here," from Spout Press, and "Laredo," and “Eyeballs growing all over me . . again” from Eraserhead Press (some dark and gothic, some kinda sci-fi, some absurdist, some experimental, some fairytale, some fantasy-ish, some dream-like and surreal, some whimsical, some social satire).
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