How to Punch a Seven Foot Tall Dog-Headed Alien Warrior in the Head
By David Macpherson
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By David Macpherson
If you can avoid finding yourself in a fight with a seven foot tall dog-headed alien warrior, then that is the best course of action. Sit down with him, discuss that calling him “benji” was just a frightful misunderstanding. That you thought he was another seven foot tall dog-headed alien warrior, but one with a better sense of humor. Then run away like a little girl.
Or you might join a religious sect where one of the tenets is that it is a sin to hit a seven foot tall dog-headed alien warrior and you would not go to heaven even if all you did was beat him in thumbwrestling.
Though it is clear, due to our vast understanding of seven foot tall dog-headed alien warriors, that you will have to throw a punch. Now you must comprehend that you will be completely ineffective when doing so. You are only a man. Albeit a ripped, powerful specimen, but truly, you are fighting a seven foot tall dog-headed alien warrior. You might as well try your kung fu fighting on the Great Wall of China and then tell us how that made out for you.
Realize, even Conan the Barbarian as portrayed by Arnold Scharzenegger in the classic film Conan the Destroyer (co-starring Grace Jones) had a stunt coordinator to make his blows look authentic. If you were Grace Jones, you could take down an entire phalanx of dog-headed alien warriors, but that is understandable considering the fact that Grace Jones is probably from the same planet, and most definitely, Grace Jones is the dominant species.
You, however, are not Grace Jones. You are just a guy in a heroic leotard. So, you must cheat. Recruit a friendly dog-headed alien to be your ally. Have him hide in a tree with an alien stun gun. If your new dog-headed ally forgot his stun gun, you can express order one from the latest Sharper Image catalog. Those things have everything.
Now you must plan to have your opponent hit by the stun gun simultaneously with your punch. You will have to give a cue that you are about to toss out your punch. Say something innocuous like, “Ha! Here we go!” As if you are preparing for a beer run in your Ford Pinto with unreliable suspension.
The presentation of the punch is more important than the punch itself. You don’t have to pound through a wall like Kool-Aid while shouting, “Oooooh, Yeah!!” but you have to make it seem like you could. Leap up to meet the seven foot tall dog-headed alien warrior’s chin, lead with the fist. Arch your back away from you in a form an unexpected dynamism.
Try not to show the pain from knuckles cracking into dog-headed alien skull. Just be triumphant as the stun gun does all the work. Land gently. Watch as your enemy crumbles to the ground.
Take all the credit. Smile in all the photos taken of you. Use your other hand when signing autographs. And at night, you can dream of Grace Jones. Go ahead, no one will stop you there.
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