If Epictetus Wrote Dear Abby
By Adam Graupe
CUSTOMERS WHO ARE PATRONIZED MAY DECIDE NOT TO BE PATRONS
DEAR EPICTETUS: While standing in a checkout line yesterday, I witnessed a cashier speak to the older woman in front of me in a condescending manner. She kept calling her "Sweetie" and talking to her as if she were a 3-year-old. The woman was obviously offended, but said nothing.
I experienced this kind of behavior often when my mother was alive. Receptionists, waitresses, store clerks and others would direct their questions to me and talk to me while my mother stood there, perfectly capable of answering the questions herself. I'm sure these people did not intend to be rude or disrespectful. However, it was extremely annoying to both Mother and me.
Because a person is elderly does not mean he or she is senile. Regardless of their mental capacity, older people have earned the right to be treated with dignity and respect. -- OFFENDED IN KINGSPORT, TENN.
DEAR OFFENDED BY NONSENSE: I'm not glad you wrote. Are you a slave to what others think and say about you? If thou callest you sweet, are you so weak as to be offended by this? What?! If this person called you mentally feeble (as I called you after reading your letter) would you break down and weep and be more offended yet? Just be thankful you don’t have to toil as a slave for Nero, for your whole childhood, as I did.
DEAR EPICTETUS: I am seeing a therapist for my depression. The problem is I find myself wanting to have sexual relations with him. I'm 23, and he's older than my father, who is 63! What's wrong with me? Obviously, I can't have an affair with my therapist, and I desperately do not want to change doctors. Please help. -- LOVESICK PATIENT IN MONTANA
DEAR LOVESICK: Good God woman! What is this Montana you spoke of? I’ve consulted all my maps and haven’t found anything in the Roman or Greek provinces listing this Montana. As to having sexual relations with thou therapist, I find this intriguing. You didn’t mention if he was married, or does that even matter to you, oh foul woman? I am 80 years old--63 does seem sort of young for you—and I am single with a charming musk. Send me your picture or friend me on facebook.
DEAR EPICTETUS: At least two or three times a week, I receive requests for donations from various organizations. Many times the envelopes contain address labels, calendars and notepads. As much as I would like, I can't afford to donate to every cause. Is it wrong to use these "gifts" if I don't contribute? It's a shame to waste them -- especially the address labels. No one else can use them.
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: There are things that are up to us and there are things not up to us. If another organization is so foolish as to send you a wonderful gift, why feel guilt? Just because they are counting on your conscience to do the right thing and help, is no reason to feel bad, you foul wretch!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $60 (Greek funds only) to: Dear Epictetus -- Wedding Booklet, 378 William Irvine Road, Athens, Greece. (Postage is included in the price.)
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Adam has been published in 3 am, Zygote in my Coffee, and dozens of other publications
By Adam Graupe
CUSTOMERS WHO ARE PATRONIZED MAY DECIDE NOT TO BE PATRONS
DEAR EPICTETUS: While standing in a checkout line yesterday, I witnessed a cashier speak to the older woman in front of me in a condescending manner. She kept calling her "Sweetie" and talking to her as if she were a 3-year-old. The woman was obviously offended, but said nothing.
I experienced this kind of behavior often when my mother was alive. Receptionists, waitresses, store clerks and others would direct their questions to me and talk to me while my mother stood there, perfectly capable of answering the questions herself. I'm sure these people did not intend to be rude or disrespectful. However, it was extremely annoying to both Mother and me.
Because a person is elderly does not mean he or she is senile. Regardless of their mental capacity, older people have earned the right to be treated with dignity and respect. -- OFFENDED IN KINGSPORT, TENN.
DEAR OFFENDED BY NONSENSE: I'm not glad you wrote. Are you a slave to what others think and say about you? If thou callest you sweet, are you so weak as to be offended by this? What?! If this person called you mentally feeble (as I called you after reading your letter) would you break down and weep and be more offended yet? Just be thankful you don’t have to toil as a slave for Nero, for your whole childhood, as I did.
DEAR EPICTETUS: I am seeing a therapist for my depression. The problem is I find myself wanting to have sexual relations with him. I'm 23, and he's older than my father, who is 63! What's wrong with me? Obviously, I can't have an affair with my therapist, and I desperately do not want to change doctors. Please help. -- LOVESICK PATIENT IN MONTANA
DEAR LOVESICK: Good God woman! What is this Montana you spoke of? I’ve consulted all my maps and haven’t found anything in the Roman or Greek provinces listing this Montana. As to having sexual relations with thou therapist, I find this intriguing. You didn’t mention if he was married, or does that even matter to you, oh foul woman? I am 80 years old--63 does seem sort of young for you—and I am single with a charming musk. Send me your picture or friend me on facebook.
DEAR EPICTETUS: At least two or three times a week, I receive requests for donations from various organizations. Many times the envelopes contain address labels, calendars and notepads. As much as I would like, I can't afford to donate to every cause. Is it wrong to use these "gifts" if I don't contribute? It's a shame to waste them -- especially the address labels. No one else can use them.
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: There are things that are up to us and there are things not up to us. If another organization is so foolish as to send you a wonderful gift, why feel guilt? Just because they are counting on your conscience to do the right thing and help, is no reason to feel bad, you foul wretch!
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Dear Epictetus is written by Epictetus. Write Dear Epictetus at www.DearEpictetus.com or 373 Nero Must Die Road, Nicopolis, Greece.
- - -
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $60 (Greek funds only) to: Dear Epictetus -- Wedding Booklet, 378 William Irvine Road, Athens, Greece. (Postage is included in the price.)
- - -
Adam has been published in 3 am, Zygote in my Coffee, and dozens of other publications
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