I’LL PUNCH YOU WHILE YOU USE THE TOILET, MOTHERFUCKER!
By Newamba Flamingo
Hi.
I wanted to let everyone know that I’ve been going into public bathrooms, creeping up behind people using the urinals, and punching them in the back of the head, sometimes even running and flying karate kicking them in the ass.
I’ve also been attacking people in occupied toilet stalls. I’ll hurl stink bombs or cherry bombs at them or bash open the stall door and beat them senseless with a sack of potatoes while they sit on the toilet.
It’s only recently that I’ve been doing this. I used to be much more normal. These bathroom attacks all began shortly after a strange thing happened in my apartment during Christmas break.
One day when I got home from my alien abductees support group meeting, I found that the television in my living room was on. I had not left it on when I left the house. Obviously, I always check that all my appliances are off any time I leave the house. However, the television was on, and it was tuned to a bizarre channel I’d never seen before…
On the screen I saw Shaquille O’Neal, in S&M attire, bent over the side of a bed in a grimy Bangkok hotel room. He had an apple duct taped to his mouth and was being beastfucked in the ass by a transsexual Asian midget who wore a feather boa, fishnet stockings, and leather jacket.
The midget was squealing loudly like a pig, then turned to the camera and told me that my ex-girlfriend has magical powers and that she controls YouTube.
The screen became fuzzy and the pixels all turned to orange. A couple seconds later, the picture reappeared. Shaq and the midget were gone and I was now seeing a warped black and white scene that appeared to be taking place somewhere in the highlands of Scotland.
Several Scottish men, who wore kilts and looked like “Ground Master Willy” from the Simpsons, were hand in hand, Riverdancing in a circle around a steaming Jacuzzi filled with blond, blue-eyed Swedish swimsuit models. The models sat in a single row, massaging each other’s breasts. One of them pulled out a rabbit vibrator from the bubbly water, pointed it at the sky, and a bolt of lightning struck it. The screen flashed bright blue, and my television burst into flames, quickly disintegrating to ashes…
I backed away from the ashes of my TV and stepped into the bathroom. I was about to urinate when an Australian person in a bear suit jumped out from behind my shower curtain. The Australian pointed at the bathroom mirror, where I saw Osama Bin Laden standing on a cliff, smoking a hash pipe, and playing Russian roulette with his penis versus a cactus.
Bin Laden pointedly scorned me, saying that normal human beings don’t dress like a pirate and stand on the hood of their ex-girlfriend’s car at 3 AM, yodeling, and playing Metallica songs on an accordion.
I threw a soap dish at the mirror, shattering it, and picked up a shard of glass off the floor and chased the Australian person in the bear suit out of my apartment. Then I pulled out a flask full of liquid LSD from the medicine cabinet, took a big swig, and dove off my balcony, falling ass first into my apartment building’s heart-shaped pool.
Next thing I know, I’m attacking people in public bathrooms, and I don’t know why. Even the psychic advisor I call from payphones when I’m drunk at airports doesn’t know why. I don’t think anyone knows why I do this. The people in the bathroom don’t seem to appreciate it very much, either.
I also suspect that my cat is gay and conspiring to kill me. Maybe it’s my cat that is making me attack people in the bathroom. I don’t know.
Well, I think I’ll get naked, paint my ass purple, strap on a faux fur tank top and Russian babushka hat, and go punch or kick someone in a public bathroom now.
Bye.
- - -
I like to write bizarre and humorous stuff. My psychiatrist is a transvestite, and I've been abducted by aliens twice. I think they interrupted my last transmission.
By Newamba Flamingo
Hi.
I wanted to let everyone know that I’ve been going into public bathrooms, creeping up behind people using the urinals, and punching them in the back of the head, sometimes even running and flying karate kicking them in the ass.
I’ve also been attacking people in occupied toilet stalls. I’ll hurl stink bombs or cherry bombs at them or bash open the stall door and beat them senseless with a sack of potatoes while they sit on the toilet.
It’s only recently that I’ve been doing this. I used to be much more normal. These bathroom attacks all began shortly after a strange thing happened in my apartment during Christmas break.
One day when I got home from my alien abductees support group meeting, I found that the television in my living room was on. I had not left it on when I left the house. Obviously, I always check that all my appliances are off any time I leave the house. However, the television was on, and it was tuned to a bizarre channel I’d never seen before…
On the screen I saw Shaquille O’Neal, in S&M attire, bent over the side of a bed in a grimy Bangkok hotel room. He had an apple duct taped to his mouth and was being beastfucked in the ass by a transsexual Asian midget who wore a feather boa, fishnet stockings, and leather jacket.
The midget was squealing loudly like a pig, then turned to the camera and told me that my ex-girlfriend has magical powers and that she controls YouTube.
The screen became fuzzy and the pixels all turned to orange. A couple seconds later, the picture reappeared. Shaq and the midget were gone and I was now seeing a warped black and white scene that appeared to be taking place somewhere in the highlands of Scotland.
Several Scottish men, who wore kilts and looked like “Ground Master Willy” from the Simpsons, were hand in hand, Riverdancing in a circle around a steaming Jacuzzi filled with blond, blue-eyed Swedish swimsuit models. The models sat in a single row, massaging each other’s breasts. One of them pulled out a rabbit vibrator from the bubbly water, pointed it at the sky, and a bolt of lightning struck it. The screen flashed bright blue, and my television burst into flames, quickly disintegrating to ashes…
I backed away from the ashes of my TV and stepped into the bathroom. I was about to urinate when an Australian person in a bear suit jumped out from behind my shower curtain. The Australian pointed at the bathroom mirror, where I saw Osama Bin Laden standing on a cliff, smoking a hash pipe, and playing Russian roulette with his penis versus a cactus.
Bin Laden pointedly scorned me, saying that normal human beings don’t dress like a pirate and stand on the hood of their ex-girlfriend’s car at 3 AM, yodeling, and playing Metallica songs on an accordion.
I threw a soap dish at the mirror, shattering it, and picked up a shard of glass off the floor and chased the Australian person in the bear suit out of my apartment. Then I pulled out a flask full of liquid LSD from the medicine cabinet, took a big swig, and dove off my balcony, falling ass first into my apartment building’s heart-shaped pool.
Next thing I know, I’m attacking people in public bathrooms, and I don’t know why. Even the psychic advisor I call from payphones when I’m drunk at airports doesn’t know why. I don’t think anyone knows why I do this. The people in the bathroom don’t seem to appreciate it very much, either.
I also suspect that my cat is gay and conspiring to kill me. Maybe it’s my cat that is making me attack people in the bathroom. I don’t know.
Well, I think I’ll get naked, paint my ass purple, strap on a faux fur tank top and Russian babushka hat, and go punch or kick someone in a public bathroom now.
Bye.
- - -
I like to write bizarre and humorous stuff. My psychiatrist is a transvestite, and I've been abducted by aliens twice. I think they interrupted my last transmission.
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