Dear Bill of Bill's Garden and Yard Supply
By Christopher Frugé


P.S. I hope you don't mind that I called you Bill. I didn't know your last name and, hey, we're in the modern age, but then again letters are pretty formal. Maybe I should have added a Mr. just in case.

P.S.S. The P.S. above means pre-script. It's like a regular P.S., but before the letter. I made it up. Like it?

P.S.S.S. The P.S.S. above stands for pre-script-script and this one stands for pre-script-script-script. I think you get the picture.

P.S.S.S. Let me start over will you? This is getting messy.


Dear Mr. Bill of Bill's Garden and Yard Supply,


I couldn't help but admire your selection of rocks as I drove by your fine store this morning. They looked very firm and, for the most part, round. I do have a few questions as to the specifics of your mineral aggregate supply:

If I find a rock whose shape I like, how long can you guarantee that particular shape? Hundreds? Thousands? (In years) I'm basically asking if it will outlive my family.

When I sit on the rock, is it actually sitting on me? (This, of course, assuming that individuals exist) How would you characterize the flavor of each of your rocks? If you have not tasted them all personally, I will trust the judgment of one of your employees.

If I buy two rocks but show one favor, will the other one get jealous? This only matters if your rocks are violent.

Are your rocks violent?

Between granite, marble, and sandstone, which is the best listener? I'm looking more for endurance than accuracy.

M.S. Should I have bulleted these? Is it hard to read? Sorry, I'm just nervous.

M.S.S. This stuff is middle-script by the way. Hope you like it. (Also my invention)

I would truly appreciate it, Bill, if you could get back to me with your answers posthaste as it is a matter of dire importance. The rocks I currently have are getting more and more irritable and are sometimes even threatening. I'm beginning to worry for my safety.

Thanks!

Chad Kingston M.D., Ph.D.

P.S. You have a beautiful storefront. I love the purple accent work.


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Christopher Frugé is currently an undergraduate at Harvard University. He enjoys to read, write, and improv. He is originally from Texas and dearly loves his family, though he has a hard time expressing it.