A letter to a friend
By James Henry
Dear Friend,
If this letter finds you well then everything went wrong.
The acid spray trap I constructed must have malfunctioned, because quite frankly, if you’re reading this then you certainly aren’t blind. Strangely this concerns me the most because a great deal of work went into rigging up the damn thing. The pit of alligators at the end of the razor maze wasn’t very impressive, I know - just costly. Really quite boring compared to the cherub statue that was SUPPOSED to piss acid in your eyes.
I must applaud you, however, if you did, in fact, outsmart The Goatmonster. Paul assured me that said Goatmonster was real and he had captured it himself while vacationing in Brazil but I didn’t actually get to oversee this part of the operation because I was busy catching up on Ace of Cakes – you understand.
Curiously, when I inspected the cage where you purportedly wrestled the Goatmonster in, I didn’t find any evidence of a quarrel. In fact, there wasn't actually a cage there. Paul had apparently misunderstood my request for a cage and radioactive mud imported from Russia to mean “steal a jungle gym from McDonald’s.”
While I was very delighted to have my own colorful ball pit to cavort around in (and believe you me, I was delighted, it delayed my inspection a good two hours!), I was very miffed at Paul. Much like yourself, Paul smokes those damn marijuana cigarettes and doesn’t pay much attention to what I say. I think PAUL needs a cherub to piss in his eyes. Noted.
In any event you had a good stroke of luck, most unfortunate for me, poor old me who went through the trouble of drugging you and placing you in an elaborate labyrinth of traps and colorful balls. Next time I’ll just snap your neck.
Sincerely,
Sir James Henry Motherfucker III
- - -
My name is James Henry and I am a robot ghost from the future.
By James Henry
Dear Friend,
If this letter finds you well then everything went wrong.
The acid spray trap I constructed must have malfunctioned, because quite frankly, if you’re reading this then you certainly aren’t blind. Strangely this concerns me the most because a great deal of work went into rigging up the damn thing. The pit of alligators at the end of the razor maze wasn’t very impressive, I know - just costly. Really quite boring compared to the cherub statue that was SUPPOSED to piss acid in your eyes.
I must applaud you, however, if you did, in fact, outsmart The Goatmonster. Paul assured me that said Goatmonster was real and he had captured it himself while vacationing in Brazil but I didn’t actually get to oversee this part of the operation because I was busy catching up on Ace of Cakes – you understand.
Curiously, when I inspected the cage where you purportedly wrestled the Goatmonster in, I didn’t find any evidence of a quarrel. In fact, there wasn't actually a cage there. Paul had apparently misunderstood my request for a cage and radioactive mud imported from Russia to mean “steal a jungle gym from McDonald’s.”
While I was very delighted to have my own colorful ball pit to cavort around in (and believe you me, I was delighted, it delayed my inspection a good two hours!), I was very miffed at Paul. Much like yourself, Paul smokes those damn marijuana cigarettes and doesn’t pay much attention to what I say. I think PAUL needs a cherub to piss in his eyes. Noted.
In any event you had a good stroke of luck, most unfortunate for me, poor old me who went through the trouble of drugging you and placing you in an elaborate labyrinth of traps and colorful balls. Next time I’ll just snap your neck.
Sincerely,
Sir James Henry Motherfucker III
- - -
My name is James Henry and I am a robot ghost from the future.
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