TOUGH MUDDER F**KER INAUGURAL 5K RUN
By Peter Dabbene
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Peter Dabbene has published poetry, short stories, essays, graphic novels, and more. His latest publications are the humor collection Spamming the Spammers (with Dieter P. Bieny) and the science fiction graphic novel ARK, both available on Amazon.com.
By Peter Dabbene
April 14, 2014, Trenton, New Jersey (race starts at 6 p.m.)
Does running at the local track just seem so 20th century? Does logging miles on neighborhood streets make you feel like a hamster on a wheel? Do those once-exciting “Tough Mudder” runs all seem the same after a while? And don’t you wish that, instead of just solving riddles or dodging zombie-costumed actors, you could compete in a real, one-of-a-kind fitness challenge?
Sign up for the Inaugural TOUGH MUDDER F**KER and we’ll give you something to run from.
To start, the course will be layered with molasses, and its perfect complement, imported fire ants—but when you reach the second section, the going really gets tough—and sticky—with our “tar and feathers” challenge. Oh, we’re sorry—does all this sound too contrived? Well, next you’ll take a detour into the bad section of town, and steal some money and/or drugs from a real street dealer. Move quickly if you want to get to our fortified “safe zone” before a carful of gat-wielding gang enforcers pulls up alongside you for an easy driveby shooting!
We know, we know: “OK, you’ve got my adrenalin pumping, but what about my mind? Can’t you challenge my brain, too?” Hey, we’re up to that challenge—we’ll ask you the factors of triple-digit numbers, and for each one you miss, you’ll receive a lashing from a cat o’nine tails. If you miss nine factors, that’s eighty-one lashings. Let’s see other races top that!
Still not impressed? When you’re closing on the finish line, it’s also time to... release the hounds! Five ex-police dogs with plenty to prove (and a taste for molasses) will soon be nipping at your heels—and your everything else, too. Your only hope of survival may be to trip the runner next to you and let the dogs get him while you scoot away to victory.
You’ll also encounter tripwires, electrified fences, IEDs, a stoning, a wiffleball bat gladiator contest (only one will survive—really!), and much, much more! Did you like the “Indiana Jones” movies? Then don the signature fedora and stay low, because we’ve shipped in authentic South American indigenous tribesmen—and these natives are restless, shooting blowdarts hand-dipped in curare! That’s not all—watch out for the big guy with the “Thuggee Life” shirt... he’ll rip your (cardiovascularly fit) heart out!
Bet you’re wondering: “Hey, aside from proving that I could really survive all this crazy stuff happening in one five kilometer stretch, what do I get out of this?” Well, we’re glad you asked. If you finish alive, you’ll receive the rare (we haven’t had to make one yet), highly coveted “I’M A TOUGH MUDDER F**KER!” T-shirt.
With this shirt, members of the sex of your choice will flock to you, and you’ll be guaranteed to get into fights at any bar while wearing it. Warm up to military crowds by bragging about how easily you’ve handled worse threats than they’ll ever see. And when the real zombie/drug lord/ferocious dog/three-digit factoring/Indiana Jones villains apocalypse happens, you’ll be the one your friends run to when the riots and looting begin, because you’ll have proven you’re a TOUGH MUDDER F**KER!
* $1,849 entry fee payable by VISA, Mastercard, or American Express
* Waiver required
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Peter Dabbene has published poetry, short stories, essays, graphic novels, and more. His latest publications are the humor collection Spamming the Spammers (with Dieter P. Bieny) and the science fiction graphic novel ARK, both available on Amazon.com.
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