ROB A STORE DAY
By Michael A. Kechula
Fred expected to have the time of his life stealing things at Santa Buffoona Mall during its annual Rob-A-Store Day.
That was the day the mall sanctioned robbery, giving customers an opportunity to act out shoplifting fantasies without being arrested. Kids were especially welcome. To encourage kiddy thievery, stores placed a wonderful array of highly desirable toys on tables low enough for tots to snatch.
The mall provided every participant a long black coat that was specially designed by the Mafia for shoplifting. They also distributed free masks to protect participants’ identities. Prominent citizens who joined the robbery festivities greatly appreciated this.
After thieves filled their coat pockets, they were to leave the mall and unload their loot onto tables for immediate recycling. Then they could go back inside for another round of theft. This cycle could be repeated until closing time.
When Fred asked why Santa Buffoona Mall sponsored such a bizarre event, they told him the mall had the worst record for shoplifting losses in the world. Consultants were hired to find ways to eliminate the losses. They suggested that the mall sponsor a Rob-A-Store Day to let customers act out shoplifting fantasies, without penalties. Thus, potential thieves of all ages would have an opportunity to experience how unglamorous and destructive shoplifting really was. Hopefully, once they gave it a try on Rob-A-Store Day, they’d never want to do it again any other time.
The experiment worked. None of the mall’s 100 stores reported a single loss from theft for two years. Mall management decided to repeat the special event every year.
Fred hurried to the mall on Rob-A-Store Day, hoping to snag some expensive items for which he’d lusted, but couldn’t afford. He figured if he couldn’t own them for real, at least he’d have the pleasure of having them in his possession for a little while.
After registering at a booth in the mall’s parking lot, he donned the mask and coat they gave him, and entered the mall. Inside, he saw shoplifters racing from store to store, grabbing whatever they could. People were elbowing each other, shoving each other, pulling things away from each other. A teenager got punched and fell to the floor with a bloody face.
An eighty-year old woman tripped as she raced toward a table filled with expensive handbags. “Ow! I think I broke my hip! Please help me.”
Nobody responded. They were too busy scrambling in all directions, manically grabbing everything in sight and jamming it into their shoplifting coats.
Although Fred felt a tinge of compassion when he passed the crying woman, he ignored her. “I didn’t come here to waste time helping injured people,” he mumbled.
The mall was so crowded, Fred was unable to snag any of the fancy items he’d hoped to steal. They were either already stolen, or he couldn’t get near them because of the crowds. So, in keeping with the spirit of the day, he grabbed whatever he could just for the sake of shoplifting.
Before long, his coat pockets were full of paint brushes, knick-knacks, scented candles, and women’s panties. He raced to the exit, unloaded everything on a collection table, and hurried back inside for another round.
After four trips to unload things that were of no interest to him, he realized he wasn’t having any fun. Especially since he’d been kicked, shoved, pushed, and almost knocked down.
During his fifth run, he was so caught up in the orgy of larcenous lunacy, he yanked a Beanie Baby from a seven-year old girl’s hand before she could stuff it inside her shoplifter’s coat.
Following his sixth trip, Fred decided to grab a snack at the food court. He found dozens of people showing each other what they’d shoplifted.
“Look at this neat Swarovski crystal chicken, I stole,” a kid told his mom. “The price tag says it’s worth $250.”
“I’m so proud of you,” said his mom. “Let’s eat fast so we can steal some more.”
A six year old girl said, “Mommy, look at all the Barbie dolls, I stole.”
“What’s so great about that? They’re a dime a dozen. I told you to practice snitching porcelain collector’s dolls. I ought to ground you for not listening!”
Returning to the fray, Fred found the situation even more frantic than before. Somebody was pushed through a store window. Store decorations were in tatters. Somebody’s blood was on the floor.
Unable to stand the pandemonium any longer, Fred hurried to an exit. After dropping his mask and thief’s coat on a table, he headed for his car. On the way, he was approached by a mall security guard.
“I got a complaint about you,” the guard said.
“Whadda ya mean?” asked Fred.”
“You stole a Beanie Baby from my daughter right after she shoplifted it. It’s against the rules to steal from shoplifters on Rob-A-Store Day. Poor kid has been practicing for months to swipe that particular Beanie Baby. And then you come along and botch things up.”
“I didn’t steal anything from a kid. You got the wrong guy.”
“She said the crook had red hair and blue tennis shoes. That describes you perfectly. Nobody robs my daughter and gets away with it.”
The guard knocked Fred unconscious. Calling his daughter with his cell phone, he said, “I found the crook who stole the Beanie Baby you swiped. Whadda ya think I should do with him?”
The following week, Santa Buffoona Mall announced its 1st Annual Piñata Day. The brightly decorated piñata kids saw in the middle of the mall was filled with candy, gum, and cookies.
Kids were blindfolded and given broom sticks. They were told to whack the piñata until it broke open and all the goodies fell out.
Instead of the traditional animal-shaped piñata, this one looked like a man with a bloated belly. Festooned with brightly colored tissue paper, it had the cutest red hair and blue sneakers.
- - -
BIO: Michael A. Kechula is a retired tech writer. His stories have been published by 128 magazines and 35 anthologies in 6 countries. He’s won first place in 10 contests and placed in 7 others. He’s authored three books of flash fiction, micro-fiction, and short stories: A Full Deck of Zombies--61 Speculative Fiction Tales, The Area 51 Option and 70 More Speculative Fiction Tales, and I Never Kissed Judy Garland and Other Tales of Romance. eBook versions available at www.BooksForABuck.com and www.fictionwise.com Paperbacks available at www.amazon.com.
By Michael A. Kechula
Fred expected to have the time of his life stealing things at Santa Buffoona Mall during its annual Rob-A-Store Day.
That was the day the mall sanctioned robbery, giving customers an opportunity to act out shoplifting fantasies without being arrested. Kids were especially welcome. To encourage kiddy thievery, stores placed a wonderful array of highly desirable toys on tables low enough for tots to snatch.
The mall provided every participant a long black coat that was specially designed by the Mafia for shoplifting. They also distributed free masks to protect participants’ identities. Prominent citizens who joined the robbery festivities greatly appreciated this.
After thieves filled their coat pockets, they were to leave the mall and unload their loot onto tables for immediate recycling. Then they could go back inside for another round of theft. This cycle could be repeated until closing time.
When Fred asked why Santa Buffoona Mall sponsored such a bizarre event, they told him the mall had the worst record for shoplifting losses in the world. Consultants were hired to find ways to eliminate the losses. They suggested that the mall sponsor a Rob-A-Store Day to let customers act out shoplifting fantasies, without penalties. Thus, potential thieves of all ages would have an opportunity to experience how unglamorous and destructive shoplifting really was. Hopefully, once they gave it a try on Rob-A-Store Day, they’d never want to do it again any other time.
The experiment worked. None of the mall’s 100 stores reported a single loss from theft for two years. Mall management decided to repeat the special event every year.
Fred hurried to the mall on Rob-A-Store Day, hoping to snag some expensive items for which he’d lusted, but couldn’t afford. He figured if he couldn’t own them for real, at least he’d have the pleasure of having them in his possession for a little while.
After registering at a booth in the mall’s parking lot, he donned the mask and coat they gave him, and entered the mall. Inside, he saw shoplifters racing from store to store, grabbing whatever they could. People were elbowing each other, shoving each other, pulling things away from each other. A teenager got punched and fell to the floor with a bloody face.
An eighty-year old woman tripped as she raced toward a table filled with expensive handbags. “Ow! I think I broke my hip! Please help me.”
Nobody responded. They were too busy scrambling in all directions, manically grabbing everything in sight and jamming it into their shoplifting coats.
Although Fred felt a tinge of compassion when he passed the crying woman, he ignored her. “I didn’t come here to waste time helping injured people,” he mumbled.
The mall was so crowded, Fred was unable to snag any of the fancy items he’d hoped to steal. They were either already stolen, or he couldn’t get near them because of the crowds. So, in keeping with the spirit of the day, he grabbed whatever he could just for the sake of shoplifting.
Before long, his coat pockets were full of paint brushes, knick-knacks, scented candles, and women’s panties. He raced to the exit, unloaded everything on a collection table, and hurried back inside for another round.
After four trips to unload things that were of no interest to him, he realized he wasn’t having any fun. Especially since he’d been kicked, shoved, pushed, and almost knocked down.
During his fifth run, he was so caught up in the orgy of larcenous lunacy, he yanked a Beanie Baby from a seven-year old girl’s hand before she could stuff it inside her shoplifter’s coat.
Following his sixth trip, Fred decided to grab a snack at the food court. He found dozens of people showing each other what they’d shoplifted.
“Look at this neat Swarovski crystal chicken, I stole,” a kid told his mom. “The price tag says it’s worth $250.”
“I’m so proud of you,” said his mom. “Let’s eat fast so we can steal some more.”
A six year old girl said, “Mommy, look at all the Barbie dolls, I stole.”
“What’s so great about that? They’re a dime a dozen. I told you to practice snitching porcelain collector’s dolls. I ought to ground you for not listening!”
Returning to the fray, Fred found the situation even more frantic than before. Somebody was pushed through a store window. Store decorations were in tatters. Somebody’s blood was on the floor.
Unable to stand the pandemonium any longer, Fred hurried to an exit. After dropping his mask and thief’s coat on a table, he headed for his car. On the way, he was approached by a mall security guard.
“I got a complaint about you,” the guard said.
“Whadda ya mean?” asked Fred.”
“You stole a Beanie Baby from my daughter right after she shoplifted it. It’s against the rules to steal from shoplifters on Rob-A-Store Day. Poor kid has been practicing for months to swipe that particular Beanie Baby. And then you come along and botch things up.”
“I didn’t steal anything from a kid. You got the wrong guy.”
“She said the crook had red hair and blue tennis shoes. That describes you perfectly. Nobody robs my daughter and gets away with it.”
The guard knocked Fred unconscious. Calling his daughter with his cell phone, he said, “I found the crook who stole the Beanie Baby you swiped. Whadda ya think I should do with him?”
The following week, Santa Buffoona Mall announced its 1st Annual Piñata Day. The brightly decorated piñata kids saw in the middle of the mall was filled with candy, gum, and cookies.
Kids were blindfolded and given broom sticks. They were told to whack the piñata until it broke open and all the goodies fell out.
Instead of the traditional animal-shaped piñata, this one looked like a man with a bloated belly. Festooned with brightly colored tissue paper, it had the cutest red hair and blue sneakers.
- - -
BIO: Michael A. Kechula is a retired tech writer. His stories have been published by 128 magazines and 35 anthologies in 6 countries. He’s won first place in 10 contests and placed in 7 others. He’s authored three books of flash fiction, micro-fiction, and short stories: A Full Deck of Zombies--61 Speculative Fiction Tales, The Area 51 Option and 70 More Speculative Fiction Tales, and I Never Kissed Judy Garland and Other Tales of Romance. eBook versions available at www.BooksForABuck.com and www.fictionwise.com Paperbacks available at www.amazon.com.
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